Self Care is Self Destruction

I have always hated the “self care” phrase and what goes along with it. From the first time I heard it I thought of how selfish the self care concept seemed. After long investigation personally—including engaging in the “self care” that most of us think of—I have solidified that stance. 

The conclusion is self care will lead to self destruction. 

I am not talking about not getting that massage or having the pedicure. This isn’t about taking time for yourself in thought and meditation to find a balance, to pray and think of those in your life and sphere of influence. As well, this isn’t about not having things for yourself that you enjoy or avoiding showering yourself with gifts when you want. 

The self care that I am referring to is what leads to selfishness and influential demise. A care that seems like a great concept and is sold to you as a necessity for survival. Something that we all must have to ensure that we can be our best self. Well, to be the bearer of bad news to you it won’t lead to your best self and will create dissension that leads to destruction. The whole love yourself concept will fail you, and fail you epically. 

This is about being a person that seeks transcendence and becoming the best impact on the world you live, work, and play in. 

I never want to have that self care or self love. I never want to be my best friend, I would prefer to be my own worst enemy. By being my worst enemy I will constantly battle myself to improve, push past boundaries, and it allows me to provide unconditional care to others. If you love yourself more than those around you it will create false relationships and quite frankly a baseless existence. 

The sooner I realized that position the better I have become to others. The anger I would feel when someone wasn’t doing their job, was being contriving, or even tossing up roadblocks in a “just because” way was negative on myself and everyone and the things I touched. It was all rooted in selfishness and how it made me feel, not the impact that was being made on the world around me. 

We can’t control others or their feelings, but you can control yours. No one can make you feel anything, that is up to you and your emotions alone. When I was in the Navy I had a LPO that would say “your delicate sensibilities are yours and yours alone, get over it.”

Sounds crass right? It is in a way, but it also is true. You control your thoughts and feelings despite what the world may have handed you. 

To be clear, we will all fail at this. We will all succumb to selfishness that arrives when we get hurt by things said or done—but your job is always to react positively and seek the best outcome for you and everything around you. 

Through my largest adversities have come my biggest triumphs. Most if not all of those adversities were rooted in self love or care. Truthfully the triumphs never were. 

Paul the Apostle—yes that one, from the Bible’s New Testament—is a fascinating story of shifting from self love, self care, and selfishness to ultimate selflessness. Paul was an early persecutor of Christians and was very openly against the teachings and followers of Jesus. At one point around approximately 31-36 AD he had an epiphany with a vision on the road to Damascus and had a major change of heart. 

After that change he dedicated his life not to self care, but ultimate love of others. In a letter to the Philippians he says in Philippians 1:21-22 “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.”

This guy went from hating a teacher and his teachings to embracing the selflessness and transcendence he saw on that road to Damascus. In seeking that transcendence himself he changed his stars dramatically. He shifted his gears to become a bigger and better impact because his self care and self love had vanished. It was those he was able to impact that mattered more. 

Another great in history Abraham Maslow—an American psychologist—said the following, “Transcendence refers to the very highest and most inclusive or holistic levels of human consciousness…behave and relating…as ends rather than means…to oneself, to significant others, to human beings in general, to other species, to nature and to the cosmos.” 

Darren Hardy put it best when referring to that statement when he said “We get a life to give ours away.” 

We can live a selfish life pretty easily and still think we are doing good. We can search and seek out things that will make us happy and the results can drip to others around us—but is that what you really want your impact to be? Just a “by default” impact, or one that will leave a lasting, resonating impact on everything and everyone. We should want a life that goes far beyond the dates that began and ended with you, where the hashmark in between matters so much more. 

I live for the hashmark—honestly I haven’t always. We can only provide ourselves with so much fulfillment. You only have so much time in a day, so much impact, and only one body and one brain. 

When you truly seek transcendence and avoid the self care and self love lie you begin to love on others in a way that seems unimaginable and quite frankly almost stupid. It is unnatural to begin with, after all we are built to survive. 

I would argue you will do more than just survive when you begin to share the light you have intently and freely with others. Your impact will return tenfold on you beyond what you could achieve alone. Our best self doesn’t come from anything other than the love and care of others. 

Build your team carefully—it’s the only way to truly win and create the impact that will have your hashmark being the discussion at your funeral. What are the things that you leave behind that matter? It is your voice, your heart, and your soul that you can pour into others. Not the house, the watches or the handbags. 

Consider it your duty to be better and leave everything you touch better than you found it or it found you.